So I had to leave Denver/Boulder/Raymond after six really great weeks. I miss Danielle, my cat, the cabin, and biking.
I drove to Illinois without any major problems. I got into Illinois and headed straight for the train station to pick up Joy. She was reroute from Minneapolis. I was an hour and a half late but so was she. I was at the wrong train station so I went to the one by Tehans. We got back to my grandma’s in Tinley Park and sat on the white couches.
Thursday we went into Chicago after Unique-ing and going to Willie’s Weenie Wagon. Oh, we wanted to go to the Sears Tower but the parking was ridiculously expensive but we found some street parking where you put your credit card but still only paid for 45 minutes somehow so we ran to the entrance, saw some “making of the sears tower” movie, went up, came back down, and got to the car with -5 minutes to spare. We tooled around until 5 when we picked up bob and then met Joy’s friends Peter and Lena for the Jerry Springer taping at 7:30. We did some waiting outside until we got in and then were told to GET OUT cause we were crowding the rotating doors. We met Little. Little is big. His friend Tony was a bodyguard for the show. Little randomly interjected into our conversation as the Jon Benet killer was announced on television. Little had horrible breath and no social skills. He had been to Jerry Springer 4 times. We asked him what was the wildest thing he’d ever seen and he said: “A 357 pointed at my face.” The bodyguard’s brother was also in the audience. Tony walked by and grunted to another dooshy bodyguard with the sleeves cut out of his Springer Security T Shirt “This is my brother.” All the douches nodded at each other. The show was supposed to be two 30-minute segments but ended up being one 60-minute rant that had to do with a KKK member denouncing his daughter whose daughter was of a mixed race. She was “half-Hispanic”: The granddad gave his granddaughter a card with a one-way ticket to Mexico. She was far too young to vacation in Mexico so perhaps that is why the granddaughter still lives in the United States. Also, the mother to the mixed race baby’s brother slept with a black woman and that caused some friction on stage. It was a pretty good show and I expect that at least one of us made it on camera for television usage.
SHIT! During the day bob sent me a phone message that said our Carnival Cruise was cancelled. We were devastated, but the show had to go on. We figured we’d go to Wisconsin Dells for a few days or something with the money they were being returned. Joy and I left on Friday morning for Detroit to surprise Anne on her birthday. We didn’t end up leaving until real late, it rained the whole way, we ate at Cracker Barrel, and finally got into Detroit by like 10. By then Anne had figured out the surprise but we had fun anyways. Oh yeah, Joy and I stopped at a fireworks place along the way in Indiana to get her explosives for her birthday. We ended up driving around in Anne’s Scion with her friend Delorian. Delorian is the nephew to the inventor of the Delorian. His last name is really Delorian. His first name is Mike. Mike and Anne play classical duets together. The first thing I saw after parking in front of Anne’s place was her brother coming running up to her to tell her to quiet down because Debbie, her mom, was sleeping. We missed the car cruise by 4 hours. We went into Canada to play 2 minutes of slot machines and get grapefruit juice. We later got onion rings and nachos because they didn’t have cheese sticks. On the way back into the United States some guy yelled “NICE BOX!!” at Anne. We drove around Detroit but were particularly struck by the Heidelberg project and all its dots. Anne was excited about her explosives that Joy and I got her on the way through Indiana. They were buy one get one free at exit 96.
Oh, I forgot to mention that on the way out to Detroit, I figured we should give Carnival a call and double check that there wasn’t some cruise around the same time that we could get on that would still be fun. Turns out there was a 4-day from Miami that was going to Cozumel also on the 21st. We called Bob to confirm his interest and booked the baby. We got the trip at ½ off for the trouble and planned on using the balance for gas, hotel, and miscellaneous. So our stay in Detroit was limited to about 12 hours. We left the next morning at a bout 7am and got back into Tinley for laundry. We picked up Emily and Bob from the Tinley train station, and headed SOUTH for Miami. Northfield Square Mall supplied the Dinner. We made it to Tennessee by 3 am and got a hotel. It was the kind of place you’d like to buy when you turn 55 and spend the next 20 years fixing up, cleaning, and renting out to travelers, writing down their credit card numbers, and then scamming them out of 1,000’s of dollars later on.
We drove to Atlanta the next morning. We mostly played 20 questions and learned about each other’s pets from childhood and their old jobs. It started to rain in Hotlanta. This dump of a store has owed me $500 for a good while now. So I tried meeting the buyer from the store but she somehow managed to get there an hour late with no cash or check so we had to follow her to her mother’s house in some stupid suburb where she failed to apologize or even acknowledge that she sucked. We also managed to lock the keys to my car inside the car while waiting for her, but that is a side story that didn’t even make us bat an eyelash. We kept driving even though we didn’t get haircuts.
Right now my grandma is laughing at According to Jim. My dad must have been adopted. Also I made chili for dinner. I must have got jalapeno juice on my finger cause I just scratched the inside of my nose and now my sinuses feel like they’re on fire.
At some point on the way down to Miami, my left contact lens started hurting really bad. After Atlanta, I had to take it out because it was hurting so bad. We stopped at a rest stop and I went to the bathroom. While I was waiting for everybody to pile back into the car, I waited by the car. My feet started to itch really badly and I asked Bob if there was anything on my feet. Turns out, they were covered in fire ants. I did a variation on the stop drop and roll. I still have crusty humps on my feet and they itch badly. We stayed in a hotel within Ft. Lucie, Florida. We finished the drive the next morning to Miami and made it there with like 2 hours to spare so I tried looking for shorts cause I left 75% of my clothes in my grandma’s washing machine on accident. We didn’t find shorts but we made it to 8th and Ocean where they make that one MTV show about models. We got on the boat and it was fantastic. The room was killer. It had a bunk bed variation, big shower, nice window, and heavy down blankets. Joy forced me do the practice evacuation and it was fun anyway. I think if they had found me in the room during the evacuation, I would have been in big trouble. On Monday, we pulled away from Miami. At dinner, we met Amy and Jennifer/Jessica. They mostly talked about nothing. We would later grow to hate them.
On Tuesday we got into Key West and walked over to a mini beach with a kid who had his arm cast in a bag. Later on board the boat: Hey man, remember when we met you on the beach? Yeah.. .. (Runs away with frown and friends). The beach sort of sucked. I managed to put a slice through my toe.. Emily and Bob looked at emerald engagement bands. Joy bought super glue to fix my sandal after stepping on the back of it and TEARING IT TO SHREADS. Joy would later use the glue to reattach the ladder hardware to the ladder in our room (U197). We were back on the boat before we knew it and heading to Cozumel, MEXICO.
We were in group 17 to get off the G.D. boat in Mexico but managed to find a man holding a scuba diving sign. He drove us in a van to a snorkeling spot. He took us around the water. It was absolutely beautiful even though it wasn’t hot or sunny\ We were in there probably 1.5 hours then had a snack. A lady got out of a cab and told us if we didn’t leave now we were going to miss the boat back to America. We hauled ass and were quickly reunited with the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I forget which days this stuff happened: win, lose or draw, scavenger hunt onboard, bingo, comedy show, guy who balanced a chandelier on his head then turned the lights out, ART AUCTION, face up 21, roulette, bob getting paid out in dollars instead of 50cent pieces at the casino, Hollywood show, Movie music quiz, SPORTS quiz where we almost won, waterslide, hot tub, swimming
KARAOKE was really good except for when bob said something really insulting to me. It made me feel like shit for 15 minutes but I got over it. I sang Bills, Bills, Bills and some sob story about having a rash on your face. I got “yeah chuck” on the way to the bathroom. Emily and Joy sang about 3 a piece. Each got huge rounds of applause and made her cabin mates proud. The karaoke host would later spill her guts to Bob and Emily on the deck about how she hated the cruise and how she missed her best friend from Australia. They forgot to laugh in her face and stomp on her toes.
The last day, Thursday, was Fun Day at Sea. We mostly did the same stuff we did all the other days: laugh, eat, & get suntans.
The ride back to Illinois went considerably fast. The air conditioner began to belch out tons of water onto the passenger side’s feet so Joy used her brain and put a cup underneath the drip. The cup filled up every fifteen minutes. Emptying in meant rolling down the window and dumping it out against the window so the person in the back seat could get a good show. We stayed in Chattanooga down the street form the IHOP we ate at ton the way down to Miami. It was our nicest hotel we had stayed at all trip (3 total). We got an oil change in Kentucky and returned the shit we bought at the Northfield Radio Snack. That $ payed for the rest of the gas to get our sweet asses home. We got to Emily’s place at like 10pm. I forget. But Nannette was there. She’s got more definition than a Webster’s Dictionary. She is in town to root on her client at the Chicago Triathlon. We got lost on the way back to Tinley Park.
Joy and I went to my other grandma’s on Sunday. Nothing crazy happened. We came back to Tinley and had Spaghetti. I mostly complained about what Joy wanted to watch on tv and visa versa but BIG brother is better than ever. I can’t believe Howie is gone.
